First, my sincerest apologies to my fellow M-trainers and the followers of this blog that this is my first post. This semester has not gone as planned in nearly any way, unfortunately including my blog participation.

I had a realization today on a run (it’s amazing the epiphanies you (think you) have when the endorphins start pumping): I calculated that I’ve been “in limbo” for a full month now.

I had an amazing three weeks in Argentina and I truly wouldn’t change anything if I were to do it all over again.  At the same time, since day 1 jokes about the coronavirus were followed by “knock on wood,” and only one week into the program Columbia University sent out an email demanding all study abroad students come home (they recinded this email two days later, only to send out again in another two weeks).  The result was that we were constantly living on the edge. I remember texting my friends “I’m afraid to check my email.” Adjusting to another country, another language, four (yes four!) new universities would be enough of a challenge, but it’s that much harder when there’s a voice in the back of your head (or literally just someone talking to you) threatening that it all could end at any moment.

So when the email finally came that we did in fact have to come home, a small part of me was relieved (while a large part of me was crushed and devastated).  If nothing else, at least the life in limbo was behind me. Or so I thought.

Since that day, I have been trying to withdraw from my program, leaving beautiful Argentina and all the opportunities I was robbed behind me.  I would love to be spending this time focusing on how to enjoy a very weird “break” from life, such as by taking time to reflect and recharge. Instead, I have spent the past two weeks emailing, calling and researching, as I try to get a refund on my tuition so I can justify withdrawing from the program.  All the meanwhile, my classes have continued. So for the fourth week in a row, I pass the time in class in limbo, unsure if I will be back next week.

All this is to say, for a person with a type-A personality who’s had every week of her life planned at least 3 months in advance for the past 3 years, this limbo life is getting to me.  I’ve been doing my best to “roll with the punches” as they say — be resilient, be positive, be grateful (which I am!). Despite my best efforts, the planner in me wants a schedule, a plan, a settled goal for these next 4 months, and the buzzing search for this resolution is starting to wear me out. 

Needless to say, I am grateful to be home safe and healthy, surrounded by family and finding new ways to keep in touch with friends.  I know I am not the only one upset with how the semester turned out, or the only person looking for some clarity on how the next 4 months will go.  But I’m definitely a part of both those groups, and as much as I need to be grateful and cognizant of the larger problems around me, I also need to be honest with how I’m doing right now. Wish me luck, M-trainers 🙂

Jamie